two years

It's been two years since I've blogged HERE . My heart is with tumblr >.< ( beautifullybrown.tumblr.com ) Come on down !

scarlet fever .

freshman `14 - eleven days until move in *

so i've left behind my blogging days for facebook . my mini blog-like statuses have taken over my desire to talk to the people . my roommie actually inspired me to begin creating again - maybe this will be a great outlet especially in school . it'll be more or so like an online journal , or my random perceptions of life itself .

douglass woman ; woman studies && potentially environmental science . .. . or will my original yearn to understand the human mind take back over into psychology . in a way i hope so . i haven't gone school shopping yet - its a very frustrating matter. i would truly like to, and its more than a want - the mere fact its 11 days away , its become a necessity .

but rutgers , this strange place for higher learner . im eager && willing, but nonetheless i'm still timid . leaving behind , well semi-behind, my mommie and my nieces and nephews - the biggest adjustment for me . my mother's cooking . my babies' humor . my RELATIONSHIP . i move in on my 6 month anniversary . i'm used to always having my boyfriend around, its never more than a half hour before we see each other - we can stay on the phone all day and into the early morn of the next day . this is the first relationship that doesnt include pain . there's no sacrifice in loving him . im not saying we're problem free and go through trials && tribulations . but it doesnt hurt to love him . i'm genuinely happy with our relationship , he's my bestfriend . i really adore that . OMG . speaking of which [ that was such an ADHD moment lol ] my bestest friend in the whole world - she's going to howard . our ' dream ' school . we both got in && everything was smooth sailing . but now, i'm going to rutgers - and she's still living out the dream . my bff forreal , the first time i'll be without her . im going to to go crazy x_X - but i guess its apart of growing up.

sooner than later i'll be complaining about writing umpteen page reports about some silly subject - that i just cannot seem to fathom . until then - i'll be on fb .

ftw.

i'm just in that dxmn the whole world mood. feeling lethargic &nd hotttt . singing ahead of monica's "what hurts the most" &nd viewing the cached version of my myspace page, because my brother has blocked it. ughhh i'm so frustrated-along with this unfit mom, mother nature decided to drop by E A R L Y . every other month it comes up m.i.a but nooo not this month - its hereee !!. i think i shall venture out to streets where my associates congregate. orange park here i come. i just needed a minute to vent, i think i'll come back later tonight &nd let everything out, as to why i'm so much engulfed in this ftw-omg-has-she-gone-emo!?.-mood.

morning love .

what hurts the most is when you catch a beautiful sunrise early in the morning, when the rest of your house is quiet &nd the translucent curtains that hang above are slightly cracked, allowing in the morning glow. but the feel of waking up empty, no one by your side. no 'good morning beautiful' text to greet you, or the muffled sound of breathing through the line, that asks if you've awakened from your slumber . the fresh morning feeling of love, knowing that not only somewhere sometime someone loves you, but right then &nd now, that person loves you. to me the best feeling in the world is not only just knowing you're loved but, feeling it too. i truly miss waking up &nd instantly springing up, because the person on the other end was waking up with me, "Amani!! ... Amani!!. Wake up,, wakee uppp ... " yeah i tend to reminisce on what used to be . this very morning i awoke to the feeling of being alone. i could've awakened to feeling so loved. smitten . adored . 'exclusive' . instead i fell excluded, to the separate realm of happiness, where i've been longing to go for a good while now. my mind &nd fingertips usually in unison find themselves on polar opposites of the universe,, no midway sector i can find will allow what comes from my mind to be published, by spoken word, writing, not even doodling in pre-calculus anymore . its sad &nd to say the least hurts . knowing all the things in the world you could have, &nd there's only one mere person you want; need. although you shouldn't need a person to complete you, &nd before you meet that person, you should be wholesome--but once they're gone... that piece of you is as well . it seems when they left me,, or when i let go of them . . . that piece that's now m.i.a., has sprung forth an internal niagara fall, that leaves the warm side of my pillow cooled &nd dampened. blurred vision awaiting the sunrise for a brand new day, hoping it would bring me a step forward in letting go, simply because the person no longer wants me. but when i made that promise i would never get over him, to myself, &nd him . . . i never realized how deeply he'd become embedded in my soul. my aura feels tainted because i'm lacking him. he's myyy hatian sensation lol, &nd goneee . on his way to becoming someone's novio. i'm just the girl that's at his locker 85% make that only 15% of the time now. i feel so torn, between between putting up that middle finger to you &nd yours, and the real,, baby i love you-take me back. i miss you, i miss you!!. i've become so engulfed in the fact he was supposed to be the first absolute true love, no if's and's or but's about it, it was dxmn sure love && my future husband,, if i get pregnant in high school,, its okay because you & i will make it...i cant bear to entertain the various people growing interest in me. i want none of them,, even if i remotely like them or not. i'm not the least bit over my locksmith. the man with the master key to my heart. one day maybe, we'll hop off a bus together,, &nd my mascara will be smeared &nd eyes puffy, &nd i'll run into his arms like old times, &nd he'll comfort me, till i stop crying &nd well after.... he'll come with his wyld styling family with smoking guns, &nd protect me for myself. well after my piercings are no longer socially acceptable &nd my friendliness to the opposite sex has subsidized he'll be back for his unique one. love, love, love, why do we love it so; when its the first thing that wants to go?? well because i'm quite familiar with love, my blogs tend to lean in that direction . so pardon my x's &nd o's .

free faatimz !!.

._x|| a m a n i .

its mine .

who's world is this !?.

its mine, its mine, its mine !!.

i figure, going through life disappointed in yurself about the outcomes of things regarding other people, is pretty foolish . yu come in this world alone,, &nd yu die alone . no matter who is by yur side when yu transpire into the world beyond us . truly i think,, &nd although i may not abide by this rule- yet- there is no life worth living if yu are just going to live for someone else . yu have to face yurself every single day,, become engulfed inside of yur own thoughts about self,, &nd breakout of yur own self made barrier to life . holding a guard up, does its job,, it lets no one in . now i may sound like im contradicting myself,, but whats the point of going through a whole life &nd not allowing anyone in !?. yu dont have to give yurself away to share yur life with others,, &nd even at times make sacrifices to benefit their wants &nd needs without totally excluding yur own . life is an every lasting lesson to be learn,, &nd thankfully i am still younq &nd at god's mercy have a long life to live still yet to come . eleventh grade . stuck in the middle,, between on yur way to being an adult, to fully becoming a legal adult . [ 6even ) teen . technically 16 yu become a wo/man . 18 yur are legally a grown wo/man . 17 !?. yur translating to that point in life,, where most decisions are not allowed a second chance . we live life for every single day . for the nxt isnt promised . so my life will be lived for me . by me . my own fubu [ for us by us ) . i chose not to live up to anyone's standards, but my own . not my parents, not any teacher, not a peer, not even a lover . . . i will live to be my own person &nd no one will ever take me away from me .

- a m a n i .

my premier .

its amazing where yu take yurself . | seven | teen years; one month; &nd 16 days since i was born . as i go through life i often think everything is so bland &nd the same, but when its time to reflect &nd look baqc,, nothing is the same . older, sometimes wiser, taller, skinnier, funnier, weirder, the adjectives go on &nd on . tripping in &nd out of luv, falling face first, head over heels into true love . its been a hell of a journey . in some aspects i've changed, some for the better others, for worse . all in all, i will forever be none other than amani faatimah, yeah there's another part to my name,, but whatever . i've learned within a short amount of time,, that yu take what yu are given &nd appreciate it for more than its worth . all the good things that come to yu in life are for a reason; &nd that it hurts soo bad to see them when they go; so hold tight to what yu have . lmfao aww man,, i'm an interesting girl . i have no idea what i want in life,, where i want to be, what i should do in life, psst what i should wear tomorrow . i got alotta choices left to make &nd im slippn up on the easy ones . well this is my first blog &nd it was supposed to be deep &nd an insight on my life . . . i dont know how well i did,, i just started thinking about losing love; sorry .

ten_four.
im outtie *

- x j r -